


Return of the List

by Slashify



Category: South Park
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-22
Updated: 2014-01-22
Packaged: 2018-01-09 15:03:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1147401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slashify/pseuds/Slashify
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remember the list the girls made to rank the boys' looks? Well, they get a little nostalgic before the end of high school, and this happens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Return of the List

**Author's Note:**

> I'm pretty sure this is the first South Park fic I've posted, surely the first one I've posted to AO3. I have a ton of ideas, and a few half-finished stories on my hard drive. Let me know if you like this one and I might post some more.

    Leave it to Wendy fucking Testaburger to stick her nose where it doesn’t belong and ruin everything. I thought we were all old enough to leave this kind of bullshit behind us, but the last week of senior year Wendy had to get nostalgic.

  
    “You guys remember when we made that list of the hottest boys in class? We should totally do that again and see if it’s changed.”

  
    So she and Bebe led the other girls in a round of mad cackling as they revised the list and posted it on the wall in the senior hallway.

  
    It had definitely changed from elementary school. Kenny was top of the list this time, and when questioned most of the girls said it was because of his ‘hot ass and bitching ride. Plus everyone knows he’s the best lay in town.'

  
    Cartman, having shed the baby fat and put on some muscle and height rated number five this time. I was number four, after Token and Craig.

  
    I scanned the rest of the list, surprised that neither Tweak or Butters were the last on it. Some things hadn’t changed so much. there at the bottom was his name. Kyle Broflovski, once again rated the least attractive boy in our class.

  
    I looked over and met Kyle’s eyes for a split second before he turned around and practically bolted for the door. Damn he’s fast!

  
    Kyle had become kind of a bully magnet when we started high school. Kids picked on him constantly because of his religion, his red hair, his clothes, everything that made him Kyle. He stopped wearing his old green hat the second week of freshman year. He started going to second hand shops for his clothes and changing his style every other week, trying to find one that wouldn’t get him swirlied. He even dyed his hair. Three times. Twice brown and once blue. That last one got enough smurf jokes that he dyed it back to the brown he had sported the week before.

  
    It kept going without anyone noticing how serious the bullying was getting until I walked in on a guy pinning him against the wall in the boy’s bathroom junior year. I don’t really remember anything past pulling the guy off him, but the guy ended up in the hospital with a broken nose and a few cracked ribs.

  
    After that everyone pretty much left him alone, except Cartman, of course, who liked to alternate calling Kyle my prison bitch and my pet jew. Asshole. Kyle stopped changing his look and picked a style he had tried out that had lasted longer than the others. He now wore skinny jeans and well worn converse shoes and shirts with sarcastic words on them. He favored a black and white checkered hoodie and sometimes on really cold days he wore his green hat, red curls escaping and contrasting in a way that made my stomach ache almost as much as the sight of his ass in those jeans. Once he figured out he was better off being himself, he got more comfortable in his own skin. He was sarcastic and sometimes even a little cocky.

  
    Apparently that guy in the bathroom wasn’t the first guy to get Kyle into a corner, but he was usually good at outrunning them. Even though not many people mess with him now he still has that instinct to run.

  
    He was too fast for me and I lost sight of him, but I had an advantage none of the asshole bullies ever had. I know Kyle. I know that if he’s running, he’s also prone to hiding.

  
    I checked the Art room first. Kyle paints when he’s angry. He wasn’t there so I checked the Science lab with the big aquarium. Kyle likes to talk to the fish. He gives them names like Buddy and Scoobart. They didn’t know where he was. I asked. Even though they didn’t suggest it, I checked the little half-hidden corridor between the French class and the History room that smelled like cigarette smoke. Bingo.

  
    He was tucked into the corner with his head resting on his arms, which trapped his knees where they had been pulled to his chest. It was a chilly day, and the hat he had worn was laying on the floor next to him as if he had tossed it there in his anger. His eyes were turned down, and he kept them focussed on the toes of his neon green Chuck Taylors when I walked up and sat next to him.

  
    “Dude,” I said, leaning my shoulder against his, “girls are stupid.”

  
    He nodded and glanced at me before looking back down quickly. His eyes were red. I clenched my teeth.

  
    “Look, Wendy and Bebe are total bitches. The other girls have the collective personality and I.Q. of mayo. You’re better than all of them.”

  
    “Cartman, dude. Cartman was number five.”

  
    “Like I said, bitches and idiots. You’re way hotter than Cartman.” Kyle’s red, puffy eyes met mine again and his lips opened slightly before he looked away and stood up.

  
    “ _You’re_ hotter than Cartman. _You’re_ number four.”

  
    “Dude, it’s just a stupid list. The numbers don’t mean anything except to a bunch of high school girls we’ll probably never see again after graduation. I’m not number four.” He nodded again and bent down to pick up his hat.

  
    “No,” he agreed, worrying the hat between long pale fingers, “you’re not. You should be first.”

  
    I couldn’t help the grin on my face but I shook my head and took a breath to say he was wrong.

  
    “It’s true, Stan. Cartman and Craig are assholes and that makes them unattractive. Token’s okay, but he breathes through his mouth and has really chapped lips all the time. Kenny does have the second nicest ass in town, and the shaggin’ wagon is a sweet car, but he’s kind of a slut and he always smells like pot.”

  
    “Dude. You’ve thought about this a lot, haven’t you?” Kyle shrugged. “Who has the best ass?”

  
    “What?” His eyes flicked up to meet mine.

  
    “You said Kenny has the second hottest ass in town. Who’s the first?”

  
    He laughed, getting up and shoving his hat into his hoodie pocket.

  
    “You’re about to watch it walk away, dude.” He smirked and strutted out of the corridor.

  
    I’ll tell you this: He definitely wasn’t lying.


End file.
